Bum Reviews: Persona 3 Spring of Birth

And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum...

Tonight's review: Persona 3: Spring of Birth

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OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

*holds gun to his head* SPOILERSONA! *flash of white with gunshot that gets cut off*

There's this kid named Makoto and he's moving to this dorm.

But once he gets off the train he's immediately thrown into Silent Hill!

Or at least I think it's Silent Hill.

Everything turns green, there's blood everywhere, and everybody is sleeping in coffins.

Wait! That's not Silent Hill, it's just She-Hulk's time of the month.

So he gets to the dorm and this creepy magic kid in Tim Burton pajamas is like "sign this contract"

*imitates writing, saying nothing*

"Not very talkative, are you?"

"I have to act like a badass emo kid because of my hair."

"Good luck with that."

So a girl in a pink sweater walks in and is like "Who are you?!"

And then a hot redheaded chick comes in and goes "He's the new kid."

"Oh. Welcome. Let me show you to your room."

"Oh?" *eyebrow raise*

"Keep dreaming, pal."

So the next day the pink sweater girl and the redhead meet with some guy they call the Chairman and are like.

"So do you think..."

"Yes."

"He really has..."

"Yes."

"How do we find out for sure?"

"We'll have to watch him while he sleeps."

"Isn't that a bit creepy?"

"You have a better idea?"

"No."

So another day goes by and that night, another guy comes in all beat up and is like "We've got company."

And the redhead is like "Why did you bring him HERE?"

"I've got like five cracked ribs right now. Gimme a break."

So the pink sweater girl brings Makoto to the rooftop to escape the monster but it follows them anyway. So the pink haired girl pulls out a gun and puts it to her head.

And I was like, "Geez, girl. Is suicide really the best way out?" But then the monster knocks her aside which makes her drop the gun.

And then Makoto picks it up, puts it to his head, and is like "PERSONA!" *Bang*

But instead of blowing his brains out... Well, it sort of does.

I'll explain in a minute.

Instead he summons this robot lute player guy who's like "I am Orpheus. I am your Persona. Now sit back and watch me kick this guy's ass like I'm El Kabong." So Orpheus starts beating up the monster when all of a sudden he turns into this new guy who's like *Godzilla roar, punching sound effects off screen* and then Makoto passes out and is transported to this big blue room.

And in this big blue room, there's a dwarf with a comically giant nose who's like "Welcome to the Velvet Room. I am Igor."

"Am I dead?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me. I know a thing or two about dead people."

"Who's the girl?"

"*smiles* I am Elizabeth. I'm not that important here, but in the game you'll grow to love my naivete... until you challenge me to a fight... *still smiling* Where I will end you."

"You have awoken to a power known as Persona. Yours in particular is very special as you can summon more than one."

"Why is that?"

"That is something you'll have to find out yourself. Now go. One of your future girlfriends is waiting for you."

"My what?"

So it turns out he's been in the hospital for like a week, and when he wakes up, pink sweater girl is like, "Oh thank God, you're awake. Now I need to tell you my backstory."

"Why?"

"To start my character arc for the next movie."

"Oh, okay go ahead."

"MY dad died in an accident 10 years ago. Kinda like yours. Although I'm sure the two are totally unrelated."

So later that evening, Chairman guy drops in and is like, "Makoto, did you know there's a hidden hour that only appears at midnight?"

"Yeah."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. I've known for a long time. I thought it was normal."

"Well, it's not. We need your help in getting rid of it so that people stop dying due to supernatural circumstances and we can stop a world wide panic."

"Okay."

"... You sure?"

"Yup."

"... It'll be very dangerous."

"I have nothing to lose."

"Okay then, welcome to the team."

Then a couple days later, they get another guy named Junpei on the team and the redheaded chick is like "Okay, time to go explore the enemy's lair."

"Wha- seriously?"

"Yes."

So they all head over to their school and it turns into this huge tower called Tartarus. Great, school's hell during the night too. *ba dum tss*

So Makoto, Junpei and pink sweater girl start fighting the monsters and then come across a giant robot-y one that Makoto takes down almost single-handedly.

Also, during the day he runs into this cute green haired girl who's kinda like Fluttershy if she were human... and Japanese. She keeps getting bullied but we'll get back to that. A full moon comes around and it turns out a big monster has appeared inside a train. So Makoto, Junpei, and pink sweater girl go to fight it and the train starts moving. And Junpei is like "I got this! *runs offscreen, punching sounds* OH GOD, HELP ME!"

Then Makoto is like "I got this. PERSONA! *BANG*"

"Wait, how did you get two?"

"The more important thing right now is stopping this monster before the train crashes and we die horrible deaths."

"Point taken."

So they beat the monster and stop the train and soon the green haired girl goes missing and two other girls end up passed out by the school gates. And the redhead is like "I think the monsters are involved somehow."

"Or maybe it was the girl's ghost. OOOOoooOOOOoooo."

"... Or it was the monsters."

"Oh come on, after all the stuff we've seen how unlikely could it be that ghosts exist?"

"Very."

"You have no imagination."

"Go investigate."

So Makoto, Junpei, and pink sweater girl wind up in an alley where a bunch of delinkermaments hang out and are like. "Get outta here before we kick your ass."

And pink sweater girl is like, "wanna give it a shot?"

"Sure"

"Okay. Makoto, get him."

"Yes, ma'am."

So the punk starts swinging at Makoto but he dodges like he's Bruce Lee. Then all of a sudden a guy in a trenchcoat comes by and drives them off. And then he's like, "Why are you here?"

"We want to know what happened to those girls who passed out by the school gates."

"It wasn't a ghost. Only an idiot would believe that."

So then one of the girls who bullied Fuuka is like. "I didn't mean to make her disappear. I don't even know how that happened."

"So it WAS the monsters."

"Wasn't that obvious?"

"Uh, guys. We still have a civilian in the room."

"That means the green haired girl must still be in Tartarus somewhere."

"She can hear everything we're saying and we're supposed to keep this stuff secret."

"Let's go back to the dorm and come up with a plan."

"What the hell are you guys talking about?"

"You. Come with us."

So they make a plan and Makoto stays behind to keep an eye on the girl despite the fact that he's the best fighter they have and would probably be more useful going with them. And he's like, "the green haired girl wanted to apologize for whatever she said."

"Pft. Yeah right."

"She said she considers you a friend."

"Oh my God! What have I done!" And then she runs off. Dang it, Makoto! You had one job!

So Junpei and the boxing guy who got hurt ealier find the green haired girl, but then the redheaded chick is like. "Get back here! We're in trouble!" And on the way back, the boxer guy looks out the only window in the building and is like "The big monsters only come out during the full moon! Come on, let's go!"

So they go back and redheaded chick and pink sweater girl are being attacked by TWO huge monsters! Everyone starts fighting back and they get they get beat. Then the bully girl stumbles in and green hair girl summons her Persona to protect bully girl. Just then Makoto comes riding in on a motorcycle like a badass... and gets beat. And then green hair realizes that she can tell what the monsters are weak to and then they win! HOORAY!

Then after the credits, creepy Tim Burton kid show up in Makoto's room and is like, "Good job."

"How did you get in here?"

"It'll all be explained later. Wanna be friends?"

"Sure. What's your name?"

"Pharos."

"... ooookay."

This is Chester A. Bum saying, "CHAAAAANGE! YA GOT CHAAAANGE?! AW COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON! CHANGE!"

I want to go to Japan and get my own Persona!