Bum Reviews: Dragonball Evolution

And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum...

Tonight's review: Dragonball Evolution

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OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER *starts cracking up*

Sorry, couldn't say that with a straight face.

Kamehame- SPOILERS!

There's this kid named Goku...

Oh wait, that's the show.

There's this teenage kid named Goku...

Much better.

And he's the social outcast at his school even though he could kick all kinds of ass.

Are we sure this isn't Gohan?

And he has the hots for this girl named Chi-Chi!

Wait, isn't that supposed to be the other way around?

And then his grandpa gives him a Dragonball.

I'd make a testicle joke but that's beneath me. *rimshot*

So Goku goes to a party and is confronted by the bullies. And then he manages to make them beat each other up by dodging them!

And then this green guy named Piccolo shows up at Goku's house and he's like "Where is your Dragonball?"

And Goku's grandpa is like, "I will die before I tell you."

"Okay *punch*"

So he kills Goku's grandpa and semi-wrecks his house.

And while Goku's hanging out with Chi-Chi he looks at a full moon... and DOESN'T turn into a giant monkey... and is like "I sense a disturbance in the force."

"You mean Ki?"

"Sure, let's go with that."

So he goes home and sees his grandpa dying, and his Grandpa's like, "Go find Roshi. He can help you find the other Dragonballs."

But then this girl named Bulma busts in and is like, *pretends to be holding a gun* "Give me your Dragonball."

"Ha! Joke's on you, I'm bulletproof."

"Not in this universe."

"Geez, did they get ANYTHING right?"

Then they find Roshi who's like "I am Roshi. I trained your grandfather."

"He's dead."

"That sucks."

"Will you train me?"

"Yes. I shall teach you the ways of airbending."

"Airbending? This isn't Avatar."

"These writers have no idea what they're doing, are they?"

"Neither does Shyamalan."

So they go to find another Dragonball and fall into a hole. Then this guy comes along and he's like "I'm Yamcha, the desert bandit."

"Aren't you supposed to have a talking, shapeshifting cat?"

"Yeah, but there was an incident and... long story short, he was delicious."

So he helps them find a Dragonball and then they all go find another one on a volcano where they amazingly don't catch fire. And then they go find some other guys and Roshi's like. "We need to use the Ma Fu Ba?"

"You mean the Evil Containment Wave?"

"Whatever. Didn't work in the show and probably won't work here either. Go for it."

So then Roshi teaches Goku the Kamehameha.

"Here, do what I do. *does the Kamehameha move, produces a piddly little flame*"

"That's not a Kamehameha."

"Alright, Mr. Expert. Why don't YOU show me what a-"

"Kamehameha! *does the move, produces a proper Kamehameha blast*"

"*gets blown off screen, crash* ... Good job."

But then Mai manages to disguise herself as Chi-Chi, who was also there, and steals the Dragonballs they have and gets into a fight with Chi-Chi... There's too much wrong there to get into.

So the good guys go to confront Piccolo who's like "Goku, you can turn into a monkey."

"Finally, they got something right!"

"Not really, you don't have your tail."

"Oh, right."

"Also, you are my slave."

So he turns into Oozaru, which is NOT a giant monkey, and Roshi ends up getting killed. But then Goku turns back into a human because... power of love. I dunno.

Yeah, because that makes much more sense than cutting off his tail.

And then Goku gets the Dragonballs, even Shenron doesn't look right, and wishes Roshi back to life.

HOORAY!

So this movie... was extremely inaccurate, but I hear some Four Star guys managed to make this movie funny.

This is Chester A. Bum saying, "CHAAAAANGE! YA GOT CHAAANGE?! AW COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"

Help me raise money to make my own Dragonball movie! I promise it'll be more accurate than this was!